This dress was meant to end up on your floor
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
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