I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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