I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
