I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
