PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
