A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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