Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Randomize