Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Randomize
