yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
if you like me you must not know who I am
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
