so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
