she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Randomize
