I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
It's just like the Real World with babies
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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