How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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