I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Randomize
