remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I fill condoms, not promises.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
