Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
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