Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
