There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
