3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I'm really busy with my period
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