Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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