Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Please don't give away my fajitas
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
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