Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
