whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
