I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
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I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
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I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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