I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
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Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
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WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish