I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
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