A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
