my phone needs a breathalizer
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
