the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
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