How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize
