party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
normal stoners make pot brownies. gay stoners make pot chocolate covered cherries on a cinnamon graham cracker crust which by the way are very effective.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
