i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
