On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
