I'm going to rape someone's good day.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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