right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
