Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Randomize
