you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
