I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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