Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
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Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
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