Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
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