She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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