I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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