does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
