My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Randomize
