he puts the penis in happiness.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
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