In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
