3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
