the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Randomize
