I could make wine with my vomit
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Randomize
