Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
