so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Randomize
