You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Pooping to opera.
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