He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
