8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Randomize
