I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
