and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Randomize
