It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
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Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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